Got a problem? The Know-it-Alls have the answer

Norm and Reine here. Now that we're a couple, we want to help. You. Since Reine and I are nearly a mature person between us with a lot of insight and experience...it's time to give back something. After careful thought, we came to the conclusion that all we can afford to give away is advice. So talk to us, the Know-It-Alls!

 

The Know-It-Alls Have a question that Ann or Abby would never answer? Need to know something about the littler things in life? Ask Norm and Reine, aka The Know-It-Alls. Many of life's answers are available in book form. Read The Norm box collections.

Dear Know-It-Alls:
Help! I'm in a terrible dilemma! I broke up with my ex-girlfriend four months ago and I started seeing another friend of mine I've known for four years. We mutually decided it wasn't anything to get excited about and stopped seeing each other romantically after two months. Here's my dilemma: She and I would get together to bake different things all the time (It's a hobby we have in common).
Now she (my friend) wants me to share my Great Aunt Rose's Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe. Know-It-Alls, this is a secret family recipe of the world's best choco-chips in the world! How do I easily tell her I can't publicly release this cookie recipe? It's for the good of mankind! I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings, but countries would go to war for these cookies! I need help avoiding this disaster!
- Trying not to start WWIII

Reine: Dear World War III, uh, Norm, did you want to take this one?
Norm: Sure. Hey WWIII, why is it your hobby with a hottie is making cookies instead of sex? Let me explain how --
Reine: My turn. Look, Mr. War, it's simple: Just tell her. If you can't tell a friend anything, then they're not really a friend. A friend would know that a family recipe is a family recipe. They'd respect that, even if they're the nosy type. So tell her up front and right away that she can't have any of your batter.
Norm: Did you just hear what you said?
Reine: What?
Norm: Think about it.
Reine: Oh. That kind of came out dirty.
Norm: Yes it did. Okay,
Mr.-My-Cookie-Dough-Is-More-Important-Than-Anything Else, that's this month's advice. Good luck mating!

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Dear Norm and Reine:
I have a small problem. You see, for awhile I liked this one guy, but he didn't seem to care for me, so I got over him...I found out he wasn't my type. Here's the problem. I've found a new guy, but a friend informs me that the ex-crush now is finding interest in me. His friend asked me to double-date with the ex, his friend, and my friend, going to a movie.
I don't know what to do, I'm kind of shy around guys, and I do want to go to the movies, but I don't want to just end up being a tag-a-long for this guy's friend and my friend (he likes her) and give up this new interest I've found. I know that if I go to the movies with this guy, it won't be as "just friends".
What should I do? Is it worth it to go to the movies with this guy that I'm pretty sure I have no future with, or should I pursue this new person? HELP!!
- Life of a Movie Plot

Norm: Go to the movie alone.
Reine: Yeah. At least you'll enjoy it. Men seem to be dangerous territory for you. Stick with celluloid.

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Dear Know-It-Alls: I met a girl at a party this past week, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm interested, but she is sending those exceedingly ambiguous female signals...how do I actively hit on her, without turning her off?
- Unknowing at the University

Reine: Geez. Why don't you just ask where to find some free money? Life is full of risks, Unknowing Boy. If you need to borrow a nut, Norm might lend you one.
Norm: Whoa, a little harsh there, Reine.
Reine: Harsh? This guy wants the no pain path in life. And what does "ambiguous female signals" mean? She's probably being nice! Those ambiguous signals are probably the real thing.
Norm: Don't listen to Reine. This is simple. If you want her to get to know you, then try it. Don't hit on her. Just try to be friendly or friends. The hot love will follow if it's right.
Reine: I'm reading it again. Did he say "actively hit on her"? Bwa-haha-haha!

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Dear Know-It-Alls, As an upcoming college graduate I'll be looking for internships. Since I imagine Will soon will have completed his internship at Norm's company I was hoping there might be a position available. What are my chances? -Seeking Ammunition for the Job Hunt

Norm: Sure. Just send a self-addressed envelope to BBB Publishing and put on the outside of the envelope "I want to be a minion!"
Reine: Internships are an important part of education.
Norm: For the corporations mining them.
Reine: Not true. You need experience in today's job market. Everyone has a BA or BS, heck, everyone has a MA or MBA or MS. Get some experience before you get out of school. It might make all the difference.
Norm: And if you're serious about working at BBB, you might want to rent "Karate Kid" again. Check out the scene where Pat says, "Wash on, wash off."

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Dear Know It alls:
My MIL's birthday is arriving soon and I don't know what to get her. Last year I got her a pair of earrings, but my wife was unhappy about the price. The year before I got her a gift-certificate and I (my wife thought I) was uncaring. Previous years were much of the same. Is there a "safe" gift?
- Between the Rock and the Hard Place

NORM: Dear Mr. Hard Place. To answer your question, there really aren't any guarantees when it comes to MILs, gifts or otherwise. Trust me, I've been doing some field work on this one. Now, I wasn't really sure if your previous offerings have been considered unsatisfactory by your MIL or your wife or both. If it is your dearly beloved that gave you the thumbs down, well, I'd say it's her turn to shop for her mom's gift. After all, she's known her mom a lot longer than you have.

REINE: I think it's a good time to mention Norm is not certified in anything that resembles counseling and it shows.

NORM: That's true. Um, but, Mr. Hard? If it's your MIL that's hard to please, that's insanely difficult. If you ask her what she wants, you put yourself at risk of being labeled insensitive or uncreative. If you send flowers, you'll have to research whether she's allergic.

REINE: Allergic? There's not a woman on Earth who's allergic to flowers.

NORM: Okay, scratch the alle-

REINE: What you need to worry about is what your wife will think of you sending flowers to her mother. That's fairly weird.

NORM: Uh, Okay. Hmmm. I guess, if you think she really doesn't need anything and won't appreciate whatever you come up with, you could always make a donation to your favorite charity in her name (as long as it's not to something like Alcoholics Anonymous).

REINE: Oh, right. A donation. That'll go over big.

NORM: Well, Mr. Hard. There you have it. I think we worked this one out quite well. The answer is plain and simple. You're screwed.

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Dear Know It alls:
I'm a 20-something geek girl recently invited to join in a tabletop role playing game for the first time. I'm really shy and easily intimidated, and I'm worried that my boyfriend will get jealous of the time I spend at someone else's house. Should I join the game, knowing that I'll either wimp out after the first session (reinforcing my shyness) or become instantaneously addicted (exacerbating my boyfriend's potential jealousy)?

REINE: Dear Geek Girl. I'm not sure what your real question is here, are you asking whether you should try out this tabletop adventure? I'm assuming this is a relatively innocent game rather than the home version of Temptation Island. If your true concern is your shy nature and how it might interfere with your participation, then I suggest you let the other players know that you want to join in for one session and see how you like it before committing for the long haul. You can always opt out if...

NORM: Wait, wait, wait, Reine. You don't know what a role-playing game is? It's not Temptation Island, it's not even Fantasy Island. It's a board or card game!

REINE: I didn't know.

NORM: Obviously! Geez! Besides , I think her concern is about her boyfriend's jealousy. And that's a much bigger issue, I think. Geek Girl, if your boyfriend gets jealous of the time you spend with others, this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Ditto if for reasons unknown you are secretly hoping that your involvement might make him jealous.

REINE: What are you recommending?

NORM: I think she needs to start acting like her boyfriend is a role-playing card, put him in the bad guy pile and roll for a new one. Going to the game might be where she finds Mr. Right.

REINE: You're so weird.

NORM: Just talking the tribal language, my love.

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Dear Know-it-alls:
My company has decided to take part in the ever popular trend amongst California businesses -- running like hell from this overtaxed/unfriendly state. My co-workers and I have been informed that the doors close Feb. 1st, thank you much, and if we want to relocate to Cincinnati, well, see you there. The range of reactions to this news run from relief (at least we got a warning so we can get out), to apathy (I guess I can do this poorly until they throw me out), to outright defiance and rage (I never liked you anyway, and now I'll DEFINITELY do things my way!).
The last reaction mostly seems to emanate from the longer term employees who haven't had this experience before. I literally feel like each interpersonal contact in the office has the potential to severely wound me, but I don't wish to turn into ghost-boy and have to melt into the wallpaper (which is ugly) to avoid the nastiness. Any suggestions?
- Andy H., Orange CA

REINE: Andy, define "severely". If you're referring to actual physical injury, than I'd go for the ghost-boy scenario, ugly wallpaper or not, while working madly on your resume. If you mean emotional scarring, puh-lease ... You better toughen up to survive in today's corporate world or consider switching careers to something that offers more compassion and courtesy. Perhaps library science or yoga instruction. Regardless, I'd say it's time to think about the color of your getaway car.

NORM: Whoa. Slow down, Reine. Didn't you go through this over a year ago? And aren't you considering getting out and doing something a little more "important" with YOUR life? Be kind, Andy here might be your crew boss at Taco Mouth one day.

REINE: Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?

NORM: We were going to answer another letter about relationships, but I think it's time to go. Andy? Do the wallpaper thing and secretly urinate in the plant potters if you have to work overtime. Gotta go. Reine? Put-the-lamp-down or I'll tell your mom!

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Dear Know-It-Alls:

I've been wondering about whether to call my old girlfriend. We broke up two years ago, she got engaged and I thought the relationship was over. Now she's calling me to see how I'm doing. She asked me if I'd like to get together and talk and I quickly told her no. I assume she's still engaged.
Now I'm not sure I said the right thing. I've thought about her a lot these past couple of years (my friends say more than a lot) and I'm sort of curious to see what she wants. How should I proceed?

– In the on-deck circle again

NORM: I'll take this first one Reine. Let me be clear, Mr. Deck. I really think you're going to be okay. I mean, you used a baseball reference and everything!

REINE: Norm! My turn. Listen, take the decision process in small steps, completing each step before proceeding to the next one. It's like cooking, but you don't get to eat anything when you're done. Here's the order:
1) Find out if she is engaged.
2) Ask yourself (out loud if necessary) do you really want to start something with this person again? What would you want out of this relationship this time that you didn't get last time? And if she is engaged and you still feel like calling her, ask yourself if it's worth the extra trouble.
3) So you didn't listen to me on the first two steps and you still want to call her. Instead of calling, write her a letter, she can't interrupt you. Let her know how you feel and define some of the gray areas that this meeting may create.

NORM: Sex and relationships don't mix. Just ask anyone who's married.

REINE: Careful there, couch boy.